I miss you more today then the day I found out you died, its almost been a year & I still feel so hurt.  I guess I am being selfish by wanting you back so bad.  I don’t know why I can’t get over you.  The thought of you brings tears to my eyes and breaks me down where I don’t know if I can get back up.  I have never felt so abandoned.  I miss you, I love you and I want you back!!  I know that we are suppose to be sad when a child is born into hell and rejoice when they die and go home to heaven but I’m selfish…  I’m so mad at you for what you did… how could you make us go through this again??  You know what my brother’s death did to our family… I just can’t believe that you would purposely take your life and leave us all here to wonder why… why you didn’t tell us, why you didn’t ask for help, why you didn’t do something… anything… other then taking your life away from us, away from your baby girls… how fucking dare you do this to us Shawn!!!  I’m so pissed, so sad and angry and just too many fucking emotions to even sort shit out…  I’m mad at you Shawn, you punked out…  and left us here to deal with it… :(  I can’t fathom the thought that you will never be here with us again, that I have to wait & see if there is an afterlife to be with you again.  What if there’s not??  Then what?  Your just gone, forever.

Late last week my cousin took his life. His mother says, his heart was broken. Some of my family says the girl is to blame. I say life & the devastating pressures that can come killed my cousin. I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the fact that he is actually gone. That I will never get to see him again, hear his voice, never get to hold him again. My heart feels so broken and I can’t get the thought of his pain out of my mind. His last moments, what must have been running through his brain, his body. Why didn’t he call one of us? Was death really the only way out for him?? How could he leave his family to dwell in his death, his two daughters… left with no daddy. It makes me so angry and so sad at the same time. It feels like there is to much rushing through my body to grasp. I keep telling myself be thankful that you got the opportunity to grow up with him in our podunk home town “Mo-Town” as he would call it. Be thankful that you can still hear his voice in your head, that you can remember those times as a child playing with him & our cousins, my sisters & brother. I remember him as a man, a wonderful father. I will never ever forget you Shawn and I will love you forever!

This is my cousin Shawn & his two baby girls.

Anyway… I’m sooo stoked!! Its great not only to have it back but to have it working at peak condition!!

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